Culture Concerns = Prejudice???

At a family gathering recently, our daughters were discussing boys and dating. They like dancing, and particularly Salsa dancing. They attend Salsa clubs and participate in Salsa dances regularly where they meet and dance with a variety of men. In the course of the discussion, it became obvious that the majority of the guys my daughters were dating were of Mexican or Latino heritage. In fact, at least one of my daughters was getting very close to a “steady” relationship with a guy from Guatemala, and another daughter had dated a guy from Ecuador several times.

Now, at this point, I want to make it perfectly clear that I have nothing against Mexican/Latino people. I grew up in New Mexico where a high percentage of the people were of Mexican heritage. Many of them were and still are my friends. I never thought of them as being any different than me. I have never considered the color of a person’s skin to be an indicator of character any more than eye color, hair color, whether one is short or tall, or any other inconsequential feature of a person’s appearance.

However, I do have some concerns about a person’s upbringing, the culture in which they were raised, and how that culture affects their views of the world, society, marriage and family life, and the way they treat others. Because my daughters are dating men from other countries where cultures are much different, particularly relating to the way women are treated, I felt it appropriate to caution my daughters and suggest that before they get serious with these guys, they make sure they know what their view of women is, and how these guys will treat their wives and daughters – as if one could ascertain this before marrying someone. But, there are clues one could look for in a person’s behavior that would indicate how they would treat women. For example:
· How is his language? Respectful to you and others? Clean or vulgar? Etc.
· Does he ogle other women? Make crude comments about women or their bodies? Sexual jokes? Etc.
· How does he react to or relate to children? Kindly or with anger/irritation/ impatience?
· Does he welcome them or reject them? Does he develop an appropriate relationship with them?
· How does he react when he drops something or something unexpected happens?
· Does he get angry easily? Or for little or no cause?
· How does he treat animals, particularly helpless ones? Is he cruel or hateful toward them?
· How does he treat or react to the disabled, infirm, mentally incompetent, the aged, etc.?
· Is he a smoker, drinker, drug user?
· Does he take care of his possessions? Maintain his car? Etc.
· How does he drive? Safely or carelessly? Taking unnecessary risks? Speeding? Showboating? Etc.
· Most importantly, pray constantly, seeking guidance from God regarding any man you may think of getting into a serious relationship with, and listen to the whisperings of the Spirit.

To introduce my concerns, I referred to the book, “Not Without My Daughter” by Betty Mahmoody. This is a heart wrenching true story of a woman who married an Iranian man. This man had lived in the United States for several years, had studied and completed medical school in the U.S., had participated in a successful medical practice, and they had lived ‘happily’ in marriage long enough to have a daughter five years old (if I remember correctly). Ultimately she wound up being trapped in the brutal and repressive muslim culture. Her “loving” husband, so she thought, reverted to the cultural norms he grew up with as soon as he got her away from
a society that he knew would not tolerate the behaviors of those norms. She was beaten and otherwise abused by the man who “loved” her, subjugated to the role of a slave, forced to show obeisance to the muslim religion, destined for nothing more than abject servitude: providing food preparation, housekeeping, sexual, and other such services that are below the man’s “dignity”. Her daughter was taken from her and placed in training with the man’s relatives so she could learn her place in this barbaric society. When this woman tried to protest against such treatment, she was beaten severely several times and literally threatened with execution. Finally, in the face of instant death if she was caught, she managed to escape with her daughter and return to the safety of the U.S.

I thought this would be an excellent way to illustrate the point I was trying to make, but as soon as I mentioned it, I was literally ‘shouted down’ by another of my daughters who is older and married. I was accused of being racist and prejudiced, and received a barrage from all my daughters about how marvelous, wonderful, beautiful, fabulous, handsome, exciting, etc., etc., that Mexican/Latino men are. I did not have a chance to finish making my point, so I will make it here.

I emphasize again that I hold no prejudice against any person based on their lineage. I don’t care if a person is of Mexican/Latino heritage, black, Indian or other Native, red, brown, yellow, or blue with pink polka-dots and flaming orange hair (well, I don’t know about the flaming orange hair!). What I am concerned with is the character, the nature, the personality of a person. Sometimes, outward appearance can be an indicator of inward character (flaming orange hair?), but it is not a reliable indicator. Personality, or the inward character of a person, shows through behavior, through the way they treat other people – specifically women, children, the disabled or otherwise helpless or mentally deficient – and helpless animals, etc. If I hold any prejudices against people, they are based solely on the character or behavior that they have exhibited.

I know from many years of experience in life that it is near impossible to change the basic nature that has been instilled in all of us by the environment, society, and culture in which we are raised. For example, I imagine all of us could think of many things our parents did that we determined we would never do with our own kids. Yet in my case, I find myself doing those very things and raising my children in much the same way my parents raised me. I don’t think my experience in this would be much different than most of humanity. Thankfully, looking back, most of those things my parents did that I detested were wise and helped me be a better person in the long run.

This is why I wanted to caution my daughters. Though I don’t think Guatemalan or Ecuadoran cultures are near as barbaric or repressive as muslim culture, I do know that women of these cultures are not treated much better than cattle or other domestic animals. I think the manner women and children are treated in these cultures is despicable, but the fact is that a person raised in such a culture sees it as normal and may not see it as wrong.

My counsel and caution to my daughters is if they are going to date (and you ultimately marry who you date) a Mexican/Latino man, or men from any other culture with norms that conflict with their own culture, they must be very careful to do everything in their power to vet this potential marital partner (because that is exactly what he is) to assure they will not be trapped in a situation like Betty Mahmoody was. I don’t think it would be over the top for them to do an actual, in depth background check, including review of driving records, police records, credit reports, sexual predator databases, etc. Again, it is of utmost importance to pray and seek God’s guidance; He knows the man of your interest better than anyone else ever could, and He will warn you or encourage you as may be appropriate. I have no problem with them dating or marrying a man of any race (aren’t we all of the human race?) or culture as long as he will always treat my daughter with love, respect, kindness, as an equal, and in accord with correct principles as outlined in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, few other cultures teach this. I want nothing but happiness for my daughters, and all my children.